| Couple Relationships (Part 2) | | Print | |
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Page 5 of 5 6) OVERCOME GRIDLOCKThere are inevitably some unsolvable problems in couples. Here Dr. Gottman has an interesting insight. He claims that one of the major sources of unsolvable problems is not including each person’s dreams in the couple’s contract. I have seen this in my practice on numerous occasions. For example, if the woman has always dreamed of having children and the male partner objects for whatever reason (maybe this is his second marriage and he feels he has no energy left for other children), this will sabotage the marriage. Another example is the male who has always dreamed of having his own business. If his female partner is too insecure and pushes him to take a stable job at a large firm this too will weigh heavily against the success of their union. Actually there is a spiritual dimension to this particular dilemma. The deep-seated dreams we carry in our hearts are reflections of our destiny, given to us by our Creator. If we resist and oppose them, we are actually resisting Divine Will and no good can come from this. 7) CREATE SHARED MEANING This may involve family rituals, the evening meal together or common goals (building a house , preparing together for a world tour or developing a charitable project). In this vein Gottman leaves us with a series of practical suggestions as to time management. He calls this the magic five hours: a) Say goodbye in the morning and find out one item in the day’s agenda of the spouse. ( 5 minutes each workday) b) Debrief together at the end of each work day to unstress. (20 minutes each workday) c) Communicate some genuine affection and appreciation every day. (5 minutes each day) d) Express affection physically once a day, Could be a kiss or a hug or back rub. (5 minutes each day) e) A weekly date (away from the pressures of home and work). This can take many forms—a visit to the coffee shop, a meal at a restaurant or a long walk in nature. (2 hours per week) Now do the math. It’s 5 hours per week—a very worthwhile investment. CONCLUSION I hope I have been able in this brief essay to give some of the more important principles of the psychology of couple relationships. There is, of course, much more to say including numerous other illustrative case histories that I was unable to include in such a short essay. Suffice it to say that our marital and family life is a vital and precious part of our existence. It is the cauldron in which our characters are formed and it is a wonderful context in which to work on our character (akhlaq). No other situation gives us a better mirror within which to see our faults and shortcomings and to try to correct them. Between our parents, our spouses and our children there is no excuse for any of us not to be aware of our personal limitations. Then we must turn to our beliefs and teachings and to our Lord to help us to correct ourselves. May God help us in this greatest of struggles (Jihad al- Akbar) as the nafs we struggle with is nowhere more apparent than in our family interactions. Note: The details of the case histories have been altered to protect the identities of the persons involved. Any resemblance to persons alive or deceased is thus only very partial. The identities of actual persons should not be inferred. This notice applies as well to the previous and forthcoming articles by Dr. Kreps. Dr. Ibrahim Kreps is a psychiatrist in private practice in Pointe-Claire, Montreal. He has 30 years of psychiatric practice with particular interest in integrative psychotherapy and he was a former teacher in the Department of Medicine at McGill University. |