| Couple Relationships (Part 2) | | Print | |
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Page 3 of 5 Firstly, the Seattle group discovered the destructive forces in marriage. There were four principal ones. They called them “The Four Horsemen” after “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” from the Biblical Book of Revelations. They are: 1) Criticism; 2) Contempt; 3) Defensiveness; and 4) Stonewalling.Criticism does not refer to ordinary complaints like “you should have done the dishes last night” or “why didn’t you take out the garbage”. It has more to do with character assassination tactics like “You didn’t take out the garbage tonight. You are just a lazy, inconsiderate slob.” Contempt can take many forms. It may include name calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. According to Gottman, it is the worst of the four as it conveys disgust and it is impossible to resolve problems when a partner feels that you are disgusted with them. This is the opposite of respect and positive regard. Contempt can also be quite subtle. The Seattle group found that just turning one’s eyes upwards as if to say, “Here she goes again” is enough to predict marital failure in over 90% of cases. The current younger generation is full of expressions of contempt such as “Whatever”, “Loser”, “Nerd”, “Geek”, “Freak” and other new terms being invented all the time. This plethora of insults is a sign of the deterioration in social relations. Defensiveness is a way of blaming the partner. It is saying that the problem is you rather than me. Its effect is invariably to escalate the conflict. Its cause is denial and guilt. Its mechanism is a sort of psychological deafness and its effect is inevitably hostile. The ultimate effect is alienation. Stonewalling is the end game of defensiveness. By the time one partner is stonewalling nothing is getting through. Gottman gives the example of the husband who on returning from work meets with a barrage of criticism from his wife and hides behind the newspaper. When she continues, he leaves the room. By turning away from her, he avoids the fight but at the same time is disengaging himself from the marriage. In trying to treat these situations, Gottman began to realize that it was not enough to deal with and eliminate the negative. He had to also begin developing alternative positive behaviors and attitudes. This in itself is a very instructive conclusion. Correcting the negative can end up feeding it and becoming obsessed with it. We must strive to develop positive alternatives. From this come the seven positive principles in the title of the book. |