| Couple Relationships (Part 2) | | Print | |
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Page 2 of 5 Amidst all this pathology and negativity you may well wonder what makes for a good relationship. Here I refer to the three Cs. They are Chemistry, Communication and Circumstances.“Chemistry” has become a popular term nowadays. We could call it attraction, affinity or even instinct but there is something in our being that says either “yes” or “ no” to the possibility of connecting with a member of the opposite sex, and it is not just a matter of physical appearance. In fact there is an element of mystery in the process—as if a higher and deeper force is actually running the show. This may well be the basis of the Islamic “Sunna” that potential partners see each other before deciding on marriage and not be forced into marriage by their parents—a Sunna that at first view seems to go against the prohibition around women displaying their beauty. If instead of following the chemistry one engages in a marriage of reason, one may later live to regret it. Many years later one of the partners may begin complaining, “But I have never experienced love” and since human love is a reflected image of Divine love, the acuteness of the pain and the loss may be intense indeed. Marriages have broken up for less. Even the cousin of the Prophet (May God bless him and grant him peace), Zaynab, was not able to continue in these circumstances, despite being a pious and generous lady. The chemistry was missing with her husband Zayd, may Allah be pleased with them both. THE QUR’ANIC IDEAL Sura 7, Al-Araf verse 189 (Yusuf Ali trans.) reads: It is He who created You from a single person And made his mate Of like nature, in order that He might dwell with her (in love). In this succinct passage is a wealth of wisdom and a high ideal. Being created from a single self (nafs) there is naturally a strong affinity (chemistry) in the couple. The “like nature” highlights the recognition of the other as part of the self and suggests an element of destiny in the proper choice. And the dwelling together (in love) contains the last two of the Cs—Communication and Circumstances. The Qur’anic commentator Abdul Majid Daryabadi puts it this way: “The word dwelling (repose) puts in a nutshell the various attitudes the two sexes can adopt towards each other—of love in youth, companionship in middle age and of care and attendance in infirmity (old age).” What depth and subtlety concerning relationships! If one looks up the Arabic word “yaskun” (translated as “dwell”) in the dictionary one comes up with the following meanings: • To be or become still, tranquil peaceful; • To calm down, repose, rest; • To cease (anger, pain and the like); • To be reassured; • To rely on, have faith or trust in; • To feel at home. What a beautiful ideal is contained in these meanings. What a contrast with the current state of marriage and couple relationships. It would be unfair however to say that the problem is entirely new. Even in the history of the great Prophets (upon whom be peace) one can see evidence of marital tensions. The Prophet Abraham had to deal with the tension and jealousy between Sara and Hagar and one of them had to leavealbeit for a great destiny and the building of the Holy Ka‘ba. The Prophet Muhammad (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) as well had to deal with marital tension. In a well known event in his life story, he stayed away from his wives for a full month much to the consternation of the fledgling Islamic Community in Medina. They were seriously worried about the possible disruption of their community if he actually divorced his wives. All ended well though and the Islamic community continued to flourish but not of course, without periods of tension and crises. One must add that the more general climate was one of harmony. The level of disruption and conflict in couples has never been as high as in modern times—divorce levels of 67%, single-parent households abounding, marital harmony the exception rather than the rule. What is happening? What are we to do? THE WORK OF JOHN GOTTMAN There are no easy solutions for the deeper social turmoil that we are all experiencing. However, we each have the obligation of doing our best and trying to survive in difficult times. In this perspective I present the work of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute. From an Islamic point of view, I think it not unfair to consider this approach as the operationalizing of the Sunna of Muhammad (may God bless him and grant him peace). The parallels in the teachings are many despite the great difference in their sources. I first heard of John Gottman in a newspaper article which reported the following: “research group able to predict divorce rate with greater than 90% accuracy.” This sensationalist title piqued my curiosity and I began tracing back the source via the Internet to a major work published by the Gottman Institute called, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The Seattle Institute did something unique in the field. They observed couples in laboratory situations (actually fabricated apartments) with audio and video equipment for extended periods of time. (In order to respect the privacy and intimacy of the couple, the recording equipment was shut down after 9 pm at night and not present in bathrooms). These observations continued for many years. Included in the observations were physiological responses such as heart rate and blood pressure. From these very extensive observations, Dr. Gottman and his team arrived at certain solid, empirically-based conclusions. This was very different from many of the other studies of family therapy—all based on theoretical positions and relatively brief therapy sessions. Here was actual data— not theory and not necessarily pathological. “Ordinary” couples were interacting in “ordinary” ways. |