| BETTER LIVING......Through Plagiarism and Witticism | | Print | |
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By Haroon Moghul In times of the omnipresent demon of terrorism, we unfortunately and wrongly despair. Through the apparently obtuse and absurd, our predicament can be illuminated. It is in that spirit that these enlightenments are presented. 1. Paradise is under mothers and swords. Both defend. 2. It is better to be a slave of something than a slave of nothing. 3. Intoxicate – or be intoxicated. 4. The television is the idiot box because it boxes idiots in. 5. The elves perished because they tired of immortality; men perish because they tire of mortality. 6. Hell is the sting of an endless string of good khutbahs, the type that make you leave feeling so hapless. In addition, you are on fire. 7. A man who cannot prove anything is doomed to disprove everything. 8. The more you love Allah, the more others despise you. 9. Poetry is unpopular because it demands subordination to structure. 10. Persian Islam is a form of bipolar disorder. 11. He’s a burden on himself who thinks himself too little; he’s a burden on others who thinks himself too much. 12. Hell is the combustible mix of regret and you. 13. Why do we hate people who remind us of us? Their similarity threatens our individuality. (I am not, therefore I am: We were created into nations and tribes so that we could preserve the self.) 14. The doors of ijtihad were not closed. They were hidden from us. 15. Bidayat al-Mujtahid: If there is no truth, there can be no error; if there can be no error, there is no truth. 16. Khilafat was the bait, Adam the hook. The Devil tempts man forever because man tempted the Devil once. In one day, we took a thousand years of worship from him. (Men are a race of thieves.) 17. Life is like a box of chocolates. The profit margin is unbelievable. 18. The revolutionaries shall perish, the reformists shall perish, the status quo shall perish. 19. Alexander was great because India defeated him. 20. The higher you climb, the less oxygen goes to your mind. 21. Our greatest technological achievements have a troublesome tendency to render us more mediocre, and our lives more mundane. 22. The uberman is the uberspender. 23. When men pray to saints, they do not draw themselves closer to God. Quite the opposite. 24. Hypocrites just want to be one. 25. Who gave the fatwa against deodorant? 26. Knowledge divides better than ignorance. 27. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: Being a man, you can only skew nature. 28. Purple is the color of kings and queers. 29. Tablighi Jama’at: After forty days, you can have your life back. 30. The Ka‘bah is a cube because the world is a sphere. 31. Arrogance produces ignorance. Ignorance produces arrogance. (Hence “bigot” sounds like “idiot.”) 32. Islamic Matrimony: If you like a girl, she doesn’t like you. If she likes you, you don’t like her. If you both like each other, your families don’t. If your families do, something is wrong. Find out what. 33. Careful what you wish for: Israel suffers because Zionism prospered. 34. The cult of the body is so phenotypically arrogant. 35. Botox hides the effects of old age, like wrinkles, maturity and dignity. 36. A prayer in the heart is worth twenty-seven in the head. 37. The right yells, the left whispers and the center stammers. 38. The Muslim world is afraid of its future. The West is afraid of its past. 39. A wallet without a hand is capitalism. A hand without a wallet is socialism. 40. The hijab: Islam’s answer to Britney Spears. 41. What consumes the consumer? 42. George Bush makes me red. John Kerry makes me blue. 43. Do therapists need therapy? If so, do they see themselves? (See also: Velayat-e faqih.) 44. There is a first cause because there is a first effect. 45. Email reminds you of how irregularly people think of you. 46. The masses are the opium of religion. 47. Theocracy: The preachers preach and the congregation listens. 48. Democracy: The preachers listen and the congregations preach. 49. Polygamy, because maternity loves company. Post-modernity, because companies love misery. Al-Qa'idah ideology, because martyrdom loves company. 50. If the Taliban were students, who were their teachers? 51. Bangladesh should've tried the triple talaq: I partition you, Pakistan; I partition you, Pakistan; I partition you, Pakistan. 52. Islam’s beauty is on the inside. (Only ugly Muslims say that.) 53. Neo-Imperialism: Your resources at our prices. 54. Ataturkism: From Ottoman to Automaton. 55. Mad Mullah-ism: Less(er) jihad is more. 56. White Muslims are like white chocolate. Somehow they’re still brown. 57. Islam rejects the cycle of rebirth. Sequels not only suck, they also spoil the original. |